Suki Suki Suki

On my walk to work this morning I got a catcall from a homeless man hangin' out in Central Park. At least I THINK it was a catcall b/c it went something like this: picture him looking me up and down saying "suki, suki, suki."

I am at a loss for words.

Wearing White. In the Rain. Dummy.

I wear a lot of white in the spring and summer. It makes me feel clean and pretty. No, not really, I just like how it looks. After however many years of wearing white, you'd think I would've learned by now not to wear white pants/skirt/shorts when it's raining! To make matters worse, I wear flipflops too! So the flopping of the flipflops flops dirt and rain all over the back of said whiteness. WTF kim!

I just wore white pants and flipflops on Saturday in the rain and got them all dirty and I walked around like that all day. Awful!

Here's the kicker though: I did it again today! To work!

This is me walking to work today (obviously I'm skinnier and prettier than this).















But this is how I have to walk around today. Allllllllll day. Allllllll dirty. I did it again. Bitch!

Sneaky Bitch

A woman I work with lives in "boyfriend's" building. Whenever I run into her and her family more often than not I'm shit-faced. Yep. Drunk off my ass. And when I've been drinking, I usually get pizza. So of course, I try to avoid them when this is the case. Sometimes I'll walk slowly so that they get on the elevator first, which seems to work most of the time...

However, this past Friday after only 4 beers, I was pretty off the rocker. I took a cab from the bar and was instantly on a mission. For pizza, as usual. As I'm walking to "boyfriend's" place, pizza box in hand, I see co-worker and her entire family. Nice husband, cute little boy, newborn baby girl. All together now..."awwwww." So I do my usual "walk slow" thing, but they are walking ridiculously slowly this time. I'd have to stop dead in my drunk tracks to not catch up to them. So I decide to cross the street and take a lap around the block. When I get to the front of the building, they are sitting outside. Eff!

Drunk kimmyk decides she will NOT be defeated! So I cross the street AGAIN and sit in the entrance of another building for minute and attempt to make a phone call. I try about 5 people, and no one answers! Now, not only is drunk kimmyk drunk, but she also has a complex. Pfff!

Since it looks like they're getting comfortable outside and I can't stay there all night (I need pizza asap), I decide to try and sneak by them! Mind you, in my head at the time, this sounded like an effing brilliant idea!

So I start walking fast. Yes, almost there! Then I hear, "Kim! Kim!" Can I ignore it? Dir, no! So I end up talking to co-worker and family, trying not to look them in the eye or breathe on them. She wanted me to see the baby, and normally I would've been all over it, but this time I probably would've dropped her, or my breath would've made her cry.

Chances are they didn't even notice, it's not like I was falling over or anything. But, note to self, next time wait across the street for as long as it takes and stop trying to be such a sneaky bitch!

However!

I did see the guy who was in the Bon Jovi video, "Always" with Keri Russell walking into the mall today as I was walking out. I mean, he's no Brit Brit, but that has to count for something! No?

Eff!

I have just been informed that we missed Brit Brit in the mall yesterday. This is what happens when I'm too effing busy to take an effing lunchbreak and go downstairs! NOT that that was necessarily when she was there, but it COULD HAVE been, and it would've upped my chances, and I might have seen her! I don't know what I would have done. I know I make fun of Brit on a daily basis, but I still would LOVE to see her! I still worship her even though oops, she keeps doing it again! I mean she is the princess of pop, people!

Kate said she would've cried to the point of embarassment.

Lety said she would've slapped her then hugged her, in that order.

I probably would have taken Seany P. from her just long enough to tell him to get rid of his nutso, money-hungry daddy, but to give Mommy a chance. I think she's doing ok, considering...

Her Mission & Motherhood

Did everybody catch hottie Anderson Cooper interviewing Angelina on "360" the other night? Me too! And I can't believe I watched it since I'm soooo Team Aniston! I was flipping through the channels last night (who the hell flips anymore now that there's the guide - weird), but there she was looking all pretty, telling Ole Blue Eyes "Hi! I just had a baby, and I am as skinny and sexy as ever, and guess what? My boobs have gotten even more enormous. OMG, I just don't know what to do. Woe is me!"

I was instantly drawn in. Damn it Angie!

I have to admit that the bitch is v. well-spoken, v. beautiful, v. puffy-lipped, and let's not forget that she donates 1/3 of her income to charity.

OMG, did I just switch teams? Did her interview finally do it for me? Am I suddenly Team Jolie-Pitt? EFF NO! I’m still 100% Team Aniston (which from this day forward, I'm going to call Team Vinnifer). However, I was v. impressed with her and her cause, and she does have a gorgeous fam. Maybe I’ll stop picking on her. FOR NOW!

Channeling Farrah

There's this guy at work who keeps calling me Farrah b/c my hair is all flippy in the morning. Doesn't he know it's effing humid out!?! I don't mean to be all Farrah-ish for eff's sake! I want nice, smooth, non-Farrah hair!

Farrah hair is pretty in this picture back in 1970-something, but I was barely even alive! Does that mean he's making fun of me b/c I'm about 30 years behind? Bitch.

Oh Britney

You've all seen it. I can't even bitch about it more than it already has been, as I don't want to beat a dead horse. But really people:

The ratty hair?
The see-through shirt?
The hooker make-up?
And does Matt have a camel toe?


































My goodness, this whole picture is one big world of NO!

I might not be able to call my OWN Mom a bitch, but Brit Brit better be giving Mama Tina some shit for letting her go on air like this. Even Paris is giving her style tips, and that's not saying much...

Down Girl!

'Boyfriend's' eyes suck ass even though he got the lasik surgery a few years ago. I guess his eyes weren't done changing yet. Whatever.

So he just got glasses! I have wanted glasses forEVER, and now he has his, and he looks quite hot in them. I'm SO jealous!




















I thought my mom was going to jump on him when she saw him. She said, "OMG, he's straight out of a LensCrafters ad!"

Easy MOM!!! Down girl! I can't call her a bitch b/c she's my mom and she's effing awesome, and I love her. She'd better take it easy next time though or I'm telling Dad.

A Ruler!?!

Took a creative brainstorming class today, and in one of the activities the instructor gave us props. I was jealous at first because the girl next to me got a pretty pink bow, while I got a ruler!

Bitch!

Then I realized what I could do with a ruler that I couldn't do with a pretty pink bow.

Happy Father's Day! (Except to weather bitches)

I wish I had somehow saved the weather forecast for this past weekend in West Hartford, CT, so I could send it to the weather bitches and tell them they suck. I understand that the weather bitches can't ALWAYS be 100% correct, but they should at least be close!

So 'boyfriend' and I met Mum and Dad at Elizabeth Park in W. Hartford, CT on Saturday for an early Father's Day pinic. (We go there b/c it's halfway between NYC and NH, and it has the most beautiful rose garden we've ever seen)!




This is what it would have looked like if it was effing sunny out.





The weather called for 86 degrees and partly cloudy. Sounds good to me...it won't be so hot that we'll fry.

We get there, and it's RAINING! Not sprinkling, but outright pouring. POURING! I start to whimper b/c I'm a wittle ittle baby sometimes, and I want Daddy's Day to be special and perfect! 'Boyfriend' was like, kim, relax. Not a big deal. Then I see my parents and they say the same thing. Fine. Everybody just leave me the eff alone for a second so I can cry.

Dad took control and brought us under a tree, and to my surprise, it wasn't raining under the tree at all! So we set up shop and ate yummy food and drank wine and I gave Dad his Beer of the Month Club card, which dir, he LOVED! It even stopped raining for a bit, and we were able to play frisbee (my mom is suprisingly good)!

So overall, amazing Daddy's Day. NO EFFING THANKS TO THE WEATHER BITCHES!

Sasquatches Really Exist?

So you know how at the top of my blog it says, "NEXT BLOG>>" in the right-hand corner? Good. Well I hit it today, which I almost never do, and guess what it brought me to.

This.

Now, I loved Harry and the Hendersons! LOVED! But I am betting that Harry. doesn't. really. exist. Who's with me? However, then I thought, if people are dedicating their lives to searching for Bigfoot, I want to know why they think he/it/they exist!

So, I looked up the word "sasquatch," and it said to "see Bigfoot." (Ugh! You even have to search for Bigfoot on the computer)! Then, Bigfoot is defined as, "A very large, hairy, humanlike creature purported to inhabit the Pacific Northwest and Canada. Also called Sasquatch." Hello! this reminds me of a few family members back in NH (no big deal there)! Then I had to look up purported. Does that make me stupid? Over it. Anywho, for those of us (aka me) who didn't know what it meant, it is defined as, "Assumed to be such; supposed." Fine. So we can all assume that Bigfoot exists? I always thought sasquatches were like the boogieman or the tooth fairy or abomidabal snowman!

So what I'm BITCHING about today is the fact that these people on "The Search for Bigfoot," do it every day! They take it very seriously, and they truly believe in Harry!

What a great effing job! I am jealous! What if I could look for something every day that is possibly imaginary, big, hairy and kinda human!?!?

I purport this would be fun!

Ping This!

I was leaving a voicemail for Richard tonight after leaving work, and at the end of my 5-minute message (this is short for me), I said, "OK, well if I don't hear from you tonight, then I'll talk to you on the computer tomorrow! Bye!"

"I'll talk to you on the computer?" What the hell does that mean? Do I have to stand on it while I talk to him? Does he have to stand on it? Huh?

Oh riiiiiiiight, I must've meant I'll "IM" you, or "I'll write to you," or as 'boyfriend' likes to say, "I'll ping you." Does the word "ping" bother anyone else as much as it bothers me?

I'd rather say, "I'll talk to you on the computer."

Unkempt Bitches: Rated R

Listen up gym bitches, and listen good! This has gone on for WAY. TOO. LONG. and today put me over the edge!

I don't want to see it.
I don't need to see it.
I'd rather stick needles in my eyes than see it.
And I'm NOT talking about your armpits.

They're called RAZORS, and they tend to come in handy. Why don't we all invest in one.

If this looks familiar, you are UNKEMPT:
















Thank you,
kimmyk (aka bitchfest nyc)

p.s. Thank you Lety, one of my fave bitches, for the word "unkempt."

Kenneth Cole Salesbitch

I am normally not a jealous girlfriend; bitchy maybe, but not jealous. HOWEVER, there's this one salesbitch who works at Kenneth Cole that I would torture if given the chance. Here's a little background on the bitch. She's petite, Asian, cute, blah blah blah. Let's just say she is 'boyfriend's' dream come true. Something about them being submissive...umm...yeah, you get the idea.

Those of you who know me know that I am far from petite, even farther from Asian (even though my eyes are slightly small, and the Asian ladies at my laundry place told me I look Asian in my license photo...but that is neither here nor there).

So 'boyfriend' loves KC shoes, so we went in to get him a pair a few months back. Salesbitch was helping him with the shoes while I'm off shopping. Next thing you know, she's talking 'boyfriend' into buying EVERYTHING in the store. She was taking advantage of him since he was standing there with his tongue out. BITCH! So I go over to 'boyfriend,' and tell him the shirt salesbitch picked out for him is ugly right in front of her. It WAS ugly! She starts bringing over more, so I’m like, no, ugly, no, no, ugly, ew, etc. It was fun. It would have been even more fun if he hadn't left the store with 52 other things that salesbitch talked him into.

So of course we've been in this KC together since the mishap, but she hasn't been there. UNTIL. THIS. WEEKEND. Ugh! She's just as petite and Asian and cute as she was the last time, and 'boyfriend's' drool would've hit the floor had I not been there with a tissue.

This time, I made sure we were helped by a nice, young, cute, gay man. My fave! Needless to say, we left KC with only a pair of shoes.

Moral of the story: keep submissive salesbitches away from your hot bf's ladies.

Where the HELL is Suri Cruise?!

People magazine reported that it was 49 days on June 3rd since Little Cruise spawn was born, and we have yet to see the latest little Scientologist. I've been leaning towards Trent's theory that she doesn't really exist, for a while now. I believe that Tom is gay and that he paid "Kate" off, and this whole idiotic, ridiculous, gouge-my-eyes-out-with-a-pen love affair is really just a sham. A SHAM I tell you!!!

If Kate was even REALLY pregnant (I think she just stuffed her face and put on a fake belly for 22 months), there is no way in HELL it's Tom's baby. He was married 12 times and has dated tons of women! If he had any good swimmers he would've knocked up at least one of them, am I right? I think that's why they're hiding her. She probably looks nothing like Tom. I'll bet they accidentally inseminated Katie with the wrong spermies, and little Suri is a little Asian.

Why else in the name of Matt Lauer would they be hiding her?

She probably has something wrong with her and is still in the hospital or something. Ugh! That means that, as usual, I'm a bitch, and am going to hell for the 5th time today.

Only the COOL People Know Where it is

Made my LES rounds last night with some friends. Started out at Solas, which was dead, except for the theme party upstairs where there was a big cake, and all the men were wearing sailor hats and hoop earrings. Hmmm...sounds like a rager.

We then headed over to The Delancey, which in my experience is a blast, especially when My Better Half rocks out there. Not last night. Another dud.

So then I remembered that whenever Richard and Dennis and I hit up the Delancey, we sometimes head over to The Back Room afterwards. It has a hidden entrance so not everyone knows where it is, which makes it pretty cool in my book. You have to first find the gate, then walk through a dark alley dogding rats and trash along the way, but hey, it's the price you pay for being cool. Plus, the atmosphere is fun, there always seem to be great looking people (although that could just be the beer goggles), it has a hidden "back room"...you get the gist.

Yeah, so after schlepping around the LES, I find out that I am nowhere near as cool as I originally thought. I went one block too far on the wrong street and had NO. EFFING. CLUE. where this place was. Of course I kept reassuring friend and self that "I'll know it as soon as I see it." Never. Happened.

So we ended up hailing a cab and just going home. What an uncool bitch I am.

Subway to Where?

See that star on the map? That's where I went earlier this evening in my attempt to get to the LES. How you ask? No clue. I'm just an idiot on occasion.

You'd think that since I got on the train at 57th & 7th that I would have noticed, say 3 or 4 stops before the announcer said, "This is Queens Plaza, Broadway next." Nope, I didn't. I was reading a cheesey novel that for some reason I couldn't put down long enough to realize I'd left the island. AND, get this! I actually stopped to think juuust long enough to convince myself that the announcer meant Broadway in Manhattan. And THAT'S when the doors closed in my face! Hello Kimmyk! He just said "Queens Plaza!" Sometimes I just don't understand what my brain is doing! So I had no choice but to go one more stop, had to get out of the subway, cross the street, walk a block and head back downtown. GRRRRRR!

Hot Dog!

I went to the Red Sox game last night at Yankee Stadium. Yes, my beloved Sox lost, but that’s not the effing point so blow it out your @$$! Sorry, the Sox get me wicked upset. Especially when Manny thinks he’s skinny and fast. Puh-lease. He’s lucky I love him anyway.

Anyhoo, is it weird that I pay more attention to the hotdog man than the game sometimes? I’m normally a cheeseburger kinda gal, but you put me in a baseball stadium, and I’m drinking beer, dipping (not really), chowing down dirty water dogs and peanuts and crackerjacks, I don’t care if I ever get back! (Lost my mind for a minute there). So instead of watching the game I’m waiting for Mr. Hotdog man to show up and feed me. All I see are the foam finger and bobblehead people! NO ONE WANTS THOSE! WE WANT SOME EFFING HOTDOGS!

So I finally find a guy and he catches my eye but doesn’t acknowledge me, which makes me think, “Well, he didn’t give me the nod, so is he coming over here next or not?” He did end up coming over to me after stopping at 52 billion other people and just as I was about to put ketchup on my friend’s head and eat him instead.

Next time, Mr. Hotdog man better not be such a bitch and acknowledge the fact that my mouth is watering over here.

P.S. This was almost me last night.

6.6.06

So my lovely, not-evil-at-all, friend Dennis decided to wish me a "Happy 6.6.06" today just for the hell (I mean fun) of it by posting this picture in my myspace comments:

Kinda freaky right? So to get him back I decided to post this message along with this photo on HIS myspace account!

"The Devil Baby is going to get you today."

























Who's freaked out besides me?!?!? Ew! But look how nice the pink baby matches my pink blog! :) I am so going to Hell.

I might have to delete this post tomorrow, so the devil baby doesn't come get ME!

Happy 6.6.06!

You Call This Last Minute?!?!

I'm trying to make plans to go away with 'boyfriend' for 4th of July weekend and am having NO LUCK WHATSOEVER! Everything is booked except for the dump we stayed in last year because I booked last minute then too (you'd think I would've learned).

Being from NH, I'm used to cookouts in backyards or a trip to the beach to BBQ and swim for the day, then heading off to the fair and playing carnival games, going on the rides and eating ice cream and fried dough (in NY they're called "funnel cakes." What?!?!). Then we get our blankets and beer from the car and lounge on the grass for the fireworks. Then we stumble home (we could leave our cars at the fair for the night) and sleep in our own beds. Sound fun? Well I think so!

Here in NY, however, there is a different idea of the 4th of July (which after being here for the past five 4th's, I am on the bandwagon). Everyone goes away to the all the same places! How in the hell am I supposed to get a hotel room at the Jersey shore or the Hamptons or Fire Island if everyone and their mother is going there? This doesn't even count the people who already have summer shares b/c I don't have to compete with them! You'd think this would make my job easier since everyone has one, but nooooooo! A month in advance and nothing!

Does anyone want to lend me a house for the weekend? Please? Oh come on!

You selfish bitches.

Taste the Rainbow AND Be Really Satisfied!

My friend at work is selling candy, Skittles and Snickers to be exact, to help out her nephew's Little League baseball team, "The Barracudas." (OK, they are actually called the "Boricua All Stars," but I don't know how to pronounce Boricua, so Barracudas it is). All proceeds will benefit the little Barracudas and allow them to buy uniforms, equipment, etc.

Now don't get me wrong, I am ALL FOR little kids, little leagues, and little Barracudas. HOWEVER, it is almost summertime people! Don't these little leaguers know I need to be in a bikini, like tomorrow!?! I mean really! So I bought one of each. Eff!

Queen of the Bitches

So I thought that I was "Queen of the Bitches," but as it turns out, one of my friends proved me wrong Friday night.

A couple friends and I were sitting at our fave pub when we started talking about my blog. Since it's new and I'm a little obsessed with it right now, I like to hear what they think. Yes, Kimmyk, we like it, it makes us laugh, blah blah. Great!

Then, the new Queen of the Bitches told me that he thinks bitchfest nyc has gone downhill since "Damn You Edamame." He thinks I need to make them shorter and sweeter; that I've gotten a bit wordy. None have made him LOL since "Edamame." How sad.

Now I am all for constructive criticism, people. I take it in, smack you across the face, consider your suggestion and make adjustments. So let me have it, bitches.


P.S. "Queen of the Bitches" has been blogging for quite a while, and I LOVE his blog, so I will most likely take his advice. After all, he IS my biggest fan...

Invisible Quizzes

So not a lot going on at work today (shhhh, don't tell my boss), so I've been online blogging, myspacing, playing word games, and attempting to complete invisible quizzes.

But Kimmyk, if they're invisible how are we supposed to do them? Yeah, tell me about it! In the most recent quiz they have posted (#286), I only got 2! Why? B/c they're invisible!!!

One of them is Who Framed Roger Rabbit b/c there is no mistaking Jessica Rabbit (duh), and the second one has a bobsled in it. What's the only movie in the history of America with a bobsled in it? Yes, "Cool Runnings." So I got the easy ones. The rest, no. effing. clue. Maybe I'm just a bitch AND an idiot.

Good luck. It's not v. fun.

I'm Not Scared of a Little Lightning!

How about we talk about last night's storm! I had a softball game (because I'm so butch) last night RIGHT when the storm was heading in. As we're waiting for the other game to finish up so we can start ours, we see some dark clouds coming in from the west. The first patch of dark clouds missed us; no rain, no lightning, nuthin'. Phew! That was close! (wow, I would be a damn good weather-bitch).

Anyway, we start our game, I miss a ball or two (one bounced right over my head, oopsie), then the darkest clouds ever (yes, ever!) start rolling in. Then the lightning comes. Did I mention that our game is taking place UNDER the Queensboro Bridge. It's metal people! Normally, I LOVE thunder storms, but under these circumstances, not so much.

I am in the outfield facing the storm, so I am seeing it coming right at us! The umpire, therefore, is facing the pretty blue side of the sky and appears to have no. effing. clue. what's going on behind him. I start freaking out a bit and start yelling and pointing to the storm trying to get the ump to turn around and look. Now, seeing as how we're under the bridge and cars and subway going over it are extremely loud, no one can hear me! Especially not the ump who is a mile away! Of course every time he turns around, the lightning decides to be a bitch and not flash, so it just looks like dark clouds.

What are my other teammates doing while I'm having my own little lightning bitchfest you say? Nothing. Just playing softball as if it's fun. OK boys, you stand here under the metal bridge. I'm going home. Don't come crying to me when lightning strikes, bitches.

Anyway, after 1/2 an inning, the ump finally sees the lightning and decides to call the game, so we all leave. Everyone scatters trying to get home b/f the rain comes. 'Boyfriend' and I try to hail a cab since we have to carry home the big softball bag JUST as it starts to POUR! Therefore, there are no cabs. Anywhere! So what do we do? We stand under the METAL QUEENSBORO BRIDGE FOR A 1/2 HOUR UNTIL AN EFFING CAB COMES!!!

Needless to say, I did not encounter any injuries. I didn't get struck by lightning. I didn't get splashed by any cars. 'Boyfriend,' however nearly popped an eardrum when I accidentally screamed at the loudest thunder clap ever (yes ever)!

Brangelina Baby

So as we ALLLLLL know, little Shiloh-who cares-Nouvel-team Aniston-Jolie-I love Vinnifer-Pitt has finally arrived. Yes, in case there is any question, I. AM. OVER. BRANGELINA. Never liked them at all actually, and am still to this day heartbroken about Jen and Brad's (hate his guts now) breakup. Heartbroken (sigh).

Anyway, I find it upsetting that the birth overshadowed little Kingston James McGregor Rossdale, especially since, in my opinion, that is the BEST name given to a baby since FOREVER. Don't even get me started on the little Bluebird kid.

I found this absolutely AMAZING picture (of course on Pink is the New Blog) of little Shiloh and her 'rents that I think is quite funny. The artist must have read my mind since I've been thinking the exact same thing ever since Angie got knocked up.

















Click here to read the story.

What an UGLY baby! Come on, it really would be funny wouldn't it? If THE MOST BEAUTIFUL people in the world had an ugly baby? Just a little bit? I don't mean to be a bitch, ok OBVIOUSLY I do. But I really do love the fact that I'm not alone...