How NOT to do Yoga: Part II

So I was telling 'boyfriend's' sister about my little yoga mishap yesterday b/c she's the queen of yoga, and she laughed of course, but then told me that it happens quite often so not to worry! So there all you peeps laughing at me! It happens all the time! Even though it was damn funny!

She then proceeded to tell me that falling over out of your headstand is the least that could happen, and I was like, "Why 'boyfriend's sister'? What else could happen?" For the record, I am a bit embarrassed to even write this...

She said that many people tend to pass a bit of gas while doing yoga b/c you're all relaxed and in so many different position, and that the whole room stinks esp when you're in a small studio.

Oh, well that's effing great! Something to look forward to! Thank goodness the studio at NYSC is BIG!

How NOT to do Yoga

I've only been taking yoga for a few weeks now, so I'm not all that good at it yet. However, I absolutely love it and am already feeling like it's something I could actually stick with for longer than 2 weeks (i.e. kickboxing).

My Monday class is my favorite b/c I feel like I'm getting such a good workout! At the end of every class, right before our cool down, the instructor gives us the choice between doing a shoulder stand or a head stand. Last Monday, after only a couple tries, I managed to get into a headstand and actually hold it for like 20 seconds! Go me! (Please note that other chicks in my class stay there for like 5 mins. Whatever bitches). Anyhoo, today's headstand attempt was not quite as successful as last week's. I must've gotten a little cocky b/c I shot right up into it which instructor (her name is Kim too) tells us not to do...you're supposed to walk up into it. Well, sorry I wasn't listening today, Kim, and sorry that I scared the shit out of you when I shot up too fast and fell over the wrong way and down onto my back, making a loud slapping noise w/ my feet! Ha! Of course I started laughing at myself , much to the disruption of the other yoga peeps trying to relax! Oops!

After I fell, I decided that a shoulder stand might be the best way to redeem myself, but by that point, we were done. Ugh! Oh well. There's always my Thursday class w/ a different instructor whom I can scare the crap out of!

The Killers Rocked NYC!

I was way too hungover yesterday to even think about what I was going to write about The Killers show I went to w/ Richie, Trace and Andy B. (from work) the other night at The Theatre at MSG. So I waited until today, but today I'm feeling lazy. So I've decided that it's just easiest to link to Richard's review since we tend to have the same opinions on these types of things.

A couple things Richard did not note about our night was that A. we saw Nigel Barker, noted fashion photographer at our fave pub beforehand. He was w/ some dirty guys though, and he didn't even look that good, so I'm surprised at myself for even mentioning the siting. And B. we had so many beers and Jagerbombs and captain and cokes that we were having a bit of a love fest for a while where we were hugging and kissing cheeks and telling each other how much we love each other. And then after every time we hugged, etc. we'd say, wow, we're drunk. It was funny. At the time. I swear.

Run For Your Life

I went to see Running With Scissors w/ Richard on Monday night. We had been wanting to see it ever since they announced that the Augusten Burroughs book would be turned into a movie. We were SO excited! And then we were SO let down. Kind of.

Richard's review hit the nail on the head. In summary, only go see this movie if you were a big fan of the book, (or if you're preparing to kill yourself in the near future b/c it was that dark), otherwise all will be lost (I'M JOKING PEOPLE!).

However, come Oscar time you will hear Annette Benning' name, as she kicked ass and stole the show.



















PS. Read all of Augusten's books. They rock. Except Selevision...

She's the one they call Dr. Feelgood

...she's the one that makes you feel allllright!

So I forgot to mention that the nametag on my nurse costume says "Nurse Feelgood." Ha! It makes me giggle every time!

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Slut-o-ween

Let me begin by saying that I despise Halloween. I always wait until the last minute to even start thinking about what I'm going to be, and I am so uncreative when it comes to putting together costumes. Not to mention that I am a bit on the frugal side, so I can't justify spending money on a costume that I'll probably only wear once when I can spend it on a new pair of shoes or something.

And let's not forget about how all the sluts come out on Halloween. When did Halloween become Slut-o-ween?!?! Oh right...we've been putting up w/ that for a while now.

Unfortunately, I've spoken a bit too soon on the Slut-o-ween part b/c I went to Ricky's during lunch today to see what I could come up w/ for a costume for this weekend, and we all know what goes on at Ricky's! The aisles were only about a foot and a 1/2 wide, and there were tons of people in there, so talk about tight quarters. Speaking of tight, everything in there is short and tight and meant for skinny people w/ big boobs! What the hell are the rest of us bitches supposed to do? I ended up finding an only semi-dirty, but pretty cute nurse costume that should work. ('Boyfriend' will be my doctor. Grrr.) The picture on the packaging was definitely slutty, but I don't see myself filling it out quite like the skinny, big-boobed chick that was modeling it, so I should be good.

So I get back to work and show a few of my friends the costume, when one of them notices a couple yellow stains on it! Umm...ew! What do we have here? Did someone buy it for a party this past weekend, get jiz all over it, and return it so that some unsuspecting customer (ME!) could purchase it, just to have to go back and return it?!?! Did they think someone would actually wear the dirty, jizzy nurse costume?!

Ew!

This is my costume (the second one, of course)! I have no idea what shoes I'm going to wear w/ it though! It's not that slutty right?

The ABC's of VYNL w/ Beej

Went to lunch w/ JB last week, and it was a pissa! The funniest things were happening! There were so many we had to come up w/ a way to remember them all so we could blog about them later, so Beej came up w/ the ABC's.

A is for Aioli...or is it?

Scoping out the menu, I came across the grilled chicken sandwich w/ M. Jack cheese, roasted red peppers and aioli sauce. Silly kimmyk didn't know what aioli sauce was, so I asked Beej, and he told me it was like flavored mayo or something. Then he said, "sometimes I accidentally say 'that boob thing' instead. You know what I'm talking about?" (as he's pointing and circling his boob). So I said, "you mean areola?" to which we both crack up to the point of people staring at us! That's A.

B is for Bend (and snap)!

Our waitor must've been taking notes when he saw Legally Blonde b/c damn girl! He had the Bend and Snap down! He dropped his napkin ever so nonchalantlly right in front of our table, and then w/o bending his legs even a smidge (he was tall too!), he bent over and picked up that napkin, giving us a prime view, and then snapped back up and sauntered off. He should really quit his day job and start giving lessons. V. impressive. Beej just thought he prob was giving us a show just so he could be blogged about. V. possible. That's B.

C is for chip in my cup!

Look at that sucker! I could've cut off my tongue w/ this thing! JB suggested I put ketchup on my tongue and then he would start screaming that I cut myself so we could sue and get free lunch. But that would be bitchy of us.

No Karaoke For You!

Richie and I ended up having date night last night, and as usual it was a blast! We started out at our friend DEC's gallery opening, which is always fun. Some old lady that could barely walk came in for the free booze, and we were nervous that she was going to fall down the stairs and sue, but she didn't. DEC told us he was insured so it wouldn't have mattered, so we thought maybe we should test it out...then decided against it.

Then we headed up to the China Club to see NICK LACHEY perform a few songs. No big surprise here...he's a big cheeseball, but damn is he gorgeous! He sounded great live too (even though on Ellen, I was NOT impressed). I definitely yelled "take off your shirt" a few times, much to all the other little girls' amusement. Nick wasn't listening though, damnit!

Anywho, we then went to a Thai place (I can't think of the name of it right now) a few blocks away, and ate a ridiculously embarassing amount of chicken pad thai. Richard was amazed at how much I ate, and I am nauseous even thinking about it. Ew.

This inspired us to karaoke (although what doesn't inspire us to karaoke)? So we ended up getting a couple beers at a bodega to sneak them into the private room

Bye Richard!

On my way back from lunch today, I called Richard for a quick chat about our plans tonight. I just happened to be walking by a guy sitting on a bench when I said "Bye Richard!" in my upbeat-it's-friday-and-I'm-going-out-later-and-I-can't-wait-voice, and the guy mocked me, and goes "Bye Richard!" all obnoxious!

Bitch!

Pretty BITCH!

Well would ya look at that! I was flipping through The Onion today, and I found this add that reminded me of someone. Hmm...who could it be? Oh riiiiiight...ME!

Animal Cracker Kick

I can't stop eating effing animal crackers. This has been going on for quite a few months now, and I hadn't had them in years! They're not even Barnum's, they're some "other" brand. Pfff. But, I get a bag almost every day from the kitchen vending maching at work. There are 2 kitchens on each floor, which you think would be plenty, but nooooo. Thank goodness I have access to 3 floors b/c if one damn vending maching is out of my animal crackers, I can always try another one. I've only had to try 3 kitchens in one day though. I'm going for all 6...

No Love

It turns out that my 10-yr HS reunion might not happen anymore. Hmm...maybe b/c I am the ONLY person to respond to the invite. What the hell does that make me? I have no idea, but it's quite sad that my old classmates aren't showing any love. Was it something I said?

Maybe it has something to do w/ the fact that I only graduated w/ 42 people in my class, but still...I was expecting at least a few more bitches besides me to show up!

I guess I'll just stay home and watch a little Romy & Michelle and reminisce...

I Have an Announcement

Big changes going on in my life peeps. Not only am I changing jobs on Monday (within my same company), but I have my 10-yr HS reunion this month, so I'm feeling damn old, AND I am moving in w/ 'boyfriend' any second now! So I apologize for being a bitchfest slacker lately.

Cut me some effing slack, bitches.

Give Me Some Effing Tarter Sauce!

Went to the fry-up at the Little Mermaid last night w/ Richie, DEC and Trace.

Please note *It's actually called the "fish fry" at the "Mermaid Inn," but I get it wrong every time. I can't be perfect all the time, people!

Anywho, turns out they don't serve tarter sauce w/ the fish , which HELLO! What else does tarter sauce go w/ except fish?!?! The waitress informed us that, "the fish is so good, you don't need tarter sauce w/ it." They will, however, give you every other condiment under the sun, and I prefer ketchup, so I was fine w/ just that on my fish.

Richard, however, was NOT happy about this! He wanted his effing tarter sauce! So next time we go, we are bringing little packets of tarter sauce w/ us. Enough to hand them out to the whole damn restaurant if need be! So there.

B.O. In My FACE!

I'm finding it v. hard to believe that I've been bitching for months on this thing and have yet to bitch about B.O. Ha! Never too late to start!

So I'm sure we've all been next to smelly people on the subways - probably at least once a week, maybe even once a day for some of us. Who knows. It sucks. Especially in the summer when people who probably don't normally smell are all sweaty and the stench is just everywhere. Ew, I just almost threw up.

Anyway! I was in the subway last night heading down to meet Richard at our usual spot, and as I was waiting for the doors to close, a man sneaks in behind me (we'll call him "smelly" for short) and pushes me in a little farther. Rude. Normally I would have just moved in a bit more b/c this is NYC and we're used to this shiz. Plus, I have excellent subway etiquette b/c everyone needs to get where they're going as quickly as possible (it's true, NY just makes you hurry). Last night, however, I wasn't feeling friendly for whatever reason, so I just stood there, kind of in his way. Oh kimmyk. BAD CHOICE b/c now "Smelly" sneaks around me and puts his arm up so he can hold on to the overhead handle thingy. Oh.My.God.Please.Help.Me. "Smelly" has some of the raunchiest B.O. I've smelled since NYC August 1951 (I made that up), and his pit is IN MY FACE! I have nowhere to go at this point b/c I refused to move anywhere b/f, and now all the openings are taken by other subway peeps. What is a girl to do?!!? So I end up turning my head as far as I can to breathe in (v. uncomfortable position I might add), and turning it back to breathe out. I was straight out of Night at the Roxbury all the way to 14th St. Ew!

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Bringing Skinny Back

So when skinny pants started coming back recently, I said to myself, "Bitches please! Those damn pants can't come back b/c only deathly skinny chickies can wear them, and it's rude to the rest of us!"

Then I saw that Gap ad that brought Audrey Hepburn back in a new, hip, skinny black pant commercial that made me go out and try on a pair. Audrey made me do it, I swear. I had absolutely no intention of ever even trying them on until she started dancing in her black skinny pants, and she looked like she was having so much fun in them! So it turns out that chickies who are not deathly skinny can wear them too. Oh yeah, and that clever advertising does work (bastards)!

I loved them, bought them and am wearing them today. Come check me out, bitches!

Happy Rusha-home-a!

So today I get to rush home for Rosh Hashanah (actually to 'boyfriend's' home, since I'm a psuedo). So I get to relax, eat lots of yummy food and drink tons of wine! Is that normal to this holiday or just for 'boyfriend's' fam? Hmm...

So nothing too bitchy about this, except the white fish liver stuff that his aunt always try to make me eat. Wish me luck.

Pizza Negotiations

So leaving the LES on Saturday night there were NO CABS in the area, as usual, and it sucked. Finally a livery car pulled over but wanted to charge us way too much $ to get to the UES. So 'boyfriend,' being the smartest man alive (more often than not:)), begins his best salesman pitch. He says we'll give him $X to get home AND a slice of pizza from the place of his choice. Brilliant.

Turns out, we love driver (side note: for those of you who don't know us, 'boyfriend' and I tend to befriend anyone and everyone drunk or sober), so we end up getting driver pizza AND a Mango Madness Snapple (his personal choice).

Smart driver waits while his slice cools off to eat it. Drunk kimmyk decides to dig right in b/c she just can't wait. Not only do I drip grease all over my pretty shirt AND jeans, which are now stained for life, but I also burn my tongue and the roof of my mouth, which still hurt to this day.

I'm thinking it was totally worth it, bitches.

More Gym Etiquette

Hi Ladies!

Umm...I'd really appreciate a little less bending over in the locker room. K? K.

thanks.

Don't Judge a Bar by it's Cover

I've heard good things about Cafe Charbon, so 'boyfriend' and I checked it out while in the LES this past Saturday night.

Now, it was kind of late and we had just come from a birthday party, so I don't remember all that much about the place. I remember liking the look of the place and how dark it was. I remember thinking it was nice that it wasn't all that crowded but crowded enough. And I remember liking this girl's backless shirt that would look pretty cute on me.

Ohhh, wait, hold the phone. It's all coming back to me now . The music was AWFUL! It went from an upbeat Peter Gabriel song (I think) right into something techno. Weird. Don't even get me started on the people. They were horrendous! I'm talking, "please don't even think about looking at me" horrendous. It was bad.

So we just found a corner and made out for a while b/f running for the door.

For some reason, as horen as it was Saturday, I might have to give it another chance. I feel like it might've just been a bad night.