Dear Ellen,

My 'Boyfriend' saw you at Nobu last night! You know how much I LOVE YOU, so of course I'm dying of jealousy! He said you made eye contact. He said you did a double-take. See, he's so hot, even YOU want him!

Ellen, if you are reading this, the adorable, dark-haired, blue-eyed man you were checking out last night (black striped button down shirt w/ jeans) was MY man. But you can have him if I can meet you. Maybe we could be best friends and hang out all the time and tell each other everything and I could be on your show as a regular. Wouldn't that be AMAZING?!

Call me.

P.S. 'Boyfriend' said Andy Roddick and Boyd Tinsley were there also. If you know them, tell them kimmyk says hello. thanks.

DMV Bitch!

I have just been informed that the DMV was supposed to ask me if I wanted them to print my old photo or new photo! No one asked me! The woman taking my info was NOT very pleasant to me. She obvs doesn't like her job much. This is absurd! I am writing a letter. If I wanted a crappy photo, I would've given them something like this...it's comparable to mine, after all...

Zombies Have Invaded London

Watch the invasion here.

They're trying to break a zombie attendance record. Looks like they might've done it! GOOOOO zombies!

When I was little I used to break attendance records at school and get a certificate at the end of each year. That was before I realized that skipping school was cool.

SUPERBAD SUPERROCKS!

It's funny, it's dirty, it's raunchy. You will love it. I could probably see it about 22, no 42, no 55! more times before I would get sick of it. I'm serious.

Go see it, then we will discuss.

That is all.

P.S. I hope I don't get arrested for using this video. It is obvs bootlegged. And we all saw what happened on Seinfeld)

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Take Ooooon Meeee. Take on Me.

Remember Renee's birthday booze cruise last year? The wicked awesome one? Well this year her birthday party kicked that one's ASS! We rocked out on The Bustonian 80's style. It took us all around Boston bah-hoppin'! We got decked out in our 80's gear and sang and danced and drank...how it is legal to stand up, drink, dance (there is a pole) on a bus, we do not know, so why don't we all keep it hushed, aight? Nah, it's legit...they have a website with pic-chas and everything. They even have a "Boatonian" now. Remind anyone of Vince Vaughn's family biz in The Break-Up? Eh, whatevs.

Aside from the perverted bus driver asking Renee if those were anal beads around her neck, it was the best party I think I've ever been to. Hands down.

My "New" License

I went to renew my license b/c it was going to expire on my birthday. Yay, finally a new pic where I don't look jaundiced! I got all pretty and even rocked out the cute little side pony so my hair would look nice and thick (in my dreams). They told me it would take 2 weeks to receive the new one in the mail.

No more would I have to show the horrible yellow baby kimmy picture (I was 21, I think) license around town. Then it came in the mail. It was a big day ladies and gentleman. Very exciting. I tore open the envelope expecting it to be the prettiest picture I've ever taken...

And it was the old friggin' picture! Yup. The jaundiced little girl kimmy picture. Why did you take a new picture in the first place? To tease me? Did someone at the DMV compare the old and the new and decide it would be HYSTERICAL to give me the old one for ANOTHER 10 YEARS!?!?! I hate everyone.

Bit by Bit...

So like I said, a lot has happened since we last spoke. I'll give it to you bit by bit since I tend to be a bit wordy and blab on and on (I don't think so, but that's what all my friends say, but really, what the hell do they know? Who do they think they are? I don't blab on and on ever. You guys really need to get a life b/c I have no idea what you're talking about. I can't believe how rude you guys are! Unbelievable. We are so in a fight!)

Anyhoo... I've switched gyms in order to take my yoga practice more seriously instead of my once a week class. I truly had myself convinced that once a week was doing wonders b/c Yoga Kim (the instructor, not me) was the best ever! But that was a big fat lie, so now I'm at Equinox w/ a slew of classes to choose from.

'Boyfriend's' sister, who is the biggest yogi I know, got me a new sweat mat thingy since I've been taking some hot classes and I'm a sweater (ick). This was the best.gift.ever! until I decided not to read the washing instructions and dropped it off at the laundry place w/ the rest of 'boyfriend's' and my clothes.

It turned all our whites brown. Like shit brown.

'Boyfriend' didn't yell at me AT ALL for ruining 2 of his fave shirts, a couple t-shirts, a few pairs of boxers...(sense my sarcasm?). But hello! Why would they mix our colors with our whites in the first place? SOOOOO not my fault.

And then there was the time we went to The Little Owl w/ Richard and Mark and thought we saw Dr. Kevorkian outside. He had just gotten out of prison so I guess he was on the brain. It turned out not to be him. You'd think the fact that this guy was about 20 yrs too young and wearing black leather pants would've tipped us off.
P.S. I love that when I googled "black leather pants," The Hoff came up.

Chloe, the Orange Bandit

Not only has little Chloe turned 1 year old (on my birthday, remember?), but she's been walking for 2 weeks AND she stole an orange! Little Chloe stole an orange! What do have to say to that?

(Now I can't take credit for this story b/c Chloe's mom wrote it to me over IM just like this):

She stole an orange from the market the other day.
My mother didn't realize until she got in the elevator of her building.
She had a big ass orange.
and she was quiet the whole stroll home.
My mother says she's usually talking the whole way.
And there were teeth marks in it too.
She tried to bite into it.

Those are some funny girls...that Chloe and her Mom. I imagine this is what she looked like after stealing her first "big ass" orange. What a little punk.

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been...

So I took the summer off. Sue me. I've been ridiculously busy, and to be honest, I haven't really missed you much. I will also not miss people harassing me to update my blog, so here's a little taste of a POSSIBLE come-back. But only if you all shut the eff up about it. Deal, bitches?

Lots to catch up on...but I'm going to start it off by bragging that I saw Larry David on Martha's Vineyard last weekend. Funny thing is, he had a bodyguard. 'Bodyguard' walked Larry David to the bathroom and stood outside guarding the door. Umm, Larry, I love ya buddy, but you're not THAT big of a movie star. Are you? I must've missed that memo...Oh yeah, and I guess 'bodyguard' isn't doing that great of a job considering some bitch was telling everyone she attacked you at the ATM earlier in the day and shoved her tongue down your throat. 'Bodyguard' is so fired.