Oh, God! Book II

So the other night I was trying to catch up on all my emails and friend's blogs since I've been so damn busy this past week (Turkey Day, etc). When I started out on the computer, Sixteen Candles was on TV (might be my all time fave movie). But after I'd been reading for about a 1/2 hour, I noticed a v. strange song come on. Sixteen Candles had been over for about 10 mins, and a new movie had started. It was a 1980 film called Oh, God! Book II (What? How the hell, I mean heck, did I start watching a religious flick)?

I decided to see what was going on, and it was a father and daughter eating in a Chinese restaurant. (OK good, a Chinese restaurant is my fave place talk about God, so I could relate).

The father says: "I met someone, honey" to a little girl who appears to be about 7-8 years old.

The little girl replies, "Does she have big boobs? Mom said she has big boobs. I wonder what kind I'll have." (Whoa! I don't think God would approve of this)!

Daddy chuckles, then says, "I'll be right back," and then goes to make a phonecall. (Way to handle the boob sitch, Daddy).

Little girl then opens up a fortune cookie which reads:
"Meet me in the lounge.
-God"

OK, at this point, I need to know what I'm watching. Obviously this movie is not what I originally thought. So I imdb'd it, and it turns out it's a comedy AND it's a trilogy! To think my night couldn't get any better than catching up on blogs!

I'm joking. I will never watch any of these movies.

Big Needle

I got a flu shot today, and my arm hurts. The needle was pretty big. I'm not even afraid of needles, but this one was def bigger than the last flu shot I remember (which was a few years ago). It looked like the picture below.

No joke, this is the picture that came up when I typed in "flu shot." Btw, similar to "wet butt," don't go typing in "big needle" while you're at work either...

I Have a Mullet. And I'm Ugly.

My little cousin (who shall remain nameless since I am scared of her) is 6 years old. I think. Maybe 7. All I know is that she is smarter than me. And meaner than me. Most of the time, she's cute and fun and loves me and is so all over me that I can't even eat my dinner or talk to other people b/c she won't let me.

HOWEVER...

This Thanksgiving, she decides to hate me. I went to give her a hug, and she turned away from me. When I said, "[Cousin], that wasn't v. nice." She replied. "You're ugly."

OK, now it's one thing if she said it just to me and quietly and maybe in a different room than the rest of the 30 family members who are all staring at me b/c I just walked in and they haven't seen me in months. But no. It's in front of everyone. No one is laughing, so that's at least good, but I'm still ridiculously embarassed!

I'm not ugly! Am I? That's A. And B., I am a little self-concious about this new haircut I got a few weeks ago. It's a little mullet-ish. I've been wearing my hair back almost every day b/c I have these bangs (that I actually love), but the rest of my hair is kinda long, but layered on the side, and it really is kind of a mullet. Anyhoo, so I decide to make a joke b/c that's what I do in embarassing situations, and I tell my entire family, "it must be my mullet" and then go on to explain haircut disaster.

First of all, I am from NH, and so are all my family members, and chances are at one point or another they have all had a mullet. So now I am the bitch from NY.

Oh, but it doesn't end there. Now that mean, scary cousin has heard me say mullet, she decides that this is the funniest thing ever, and that is what she's going to call me for the rest of Thanksgiving Day.

I'm going to get that bitch one day.

I Fell Off the Wagon

Guess how long I was off the animal crackers for? Well, let me tell you. One day. One. I am unbelievable. I was in the kitchen yesterday getting water, and a girl from work was in there looking for a snack. I don't even know her that well, and I was like, "oooh, go for the animal crackers. They're Amaz!"

First of all, why do I feel the need to talk to EVERYONE? And why about something like which snack they should pick? Why? Just shut up kim!

Anyhoo, she goes, "oooh, good idea." And she gets them. Well, then we walk out of the kitchen together, and she offers me one. So w/o even a hint of hesitation, I say sure! And I take it and pop it in my mouth.

OFF.THE.WAGON.IN.ONE.DAY. It was only one measly little animal cracker, but still. Why couldn't I have said no?

You know what this lead to right? Yup, I bought myself a bag today and at the whole thing. Maybe my New Year's Resolution should be to work on my willpower. Or maybe my it should just be to cut down on animal crackers, since that would be easier. Good thing I have a couple months to think about it. Friggin' animal crackers get me every time. They're haunting me.

Look what happened to Nick Nolte when he fell off the wagon. Not pretty.

The First Step is Admitting I Have a Problem

I'm off the animal crackers and have moved on to hard candy - runts (I have a jar of them at my desk), lollipops (gum or tootsie), hotballs, jolly ranchers, mints, lifesavers...whatever I find lying around. Wait, don't crack addicts use hard candy to help them quit??? Anyhoo...

The animal crackers were causing too many problems!

A. DEC bit his tongue and bled all over his client.
B. A bag of them magically appeared on my desk, and the person who put them there caused me to obsess about a possible secret admirer for days after (turns out it was just Ted. Thx Ted).
C. A fellow kimmyk told me I might need to get some help, possibly even a 12-step program (funny that she wrote about twizzlers today...great minds...great kimmyk minds???).
D. At any time throughout the day I was in the kitchen and saw them looking back at me from the vending machine, I felt the need to buy them then and there b/f they ran out. Even if I'd just had a meal. Even if it was 8:30 in the morning.

You get the gist.

I just thought you should know. I might need your help and support during this troubling time. Thank you all. You are wonderful, amazing friends, and I am very fortunate to have you in my life.

Dial 911 Damnit!

I saw an old man fall down in the park today, so I ran over to help him b/c he went down quite hard. There was kind of a lot of blood dripping from his chin, so kimmyk went into panic mode!

kimmyk: "Who has a phone?!?!" (I was going for my run, so I was sans phone)
innocent bystander: "I do, should I dial 911?"
kimmyk: "Yes damnit!"
old man who hit his chin: "I'm fine, it's just a little cut. No need to panic young lady. Don't be silly."

I guess he told me! Pfff!

But I did my good deed for the day, didn't I? So don't expect anything else.

It's a Birthday!

Happy Birthday to my fave man ever! Except my dad, but he doesn't read this, so I'm in the clear. And Richard, who reads this every day so I'm not in the clear w/ him and will hear it either in my comments or on Friday when we hang out next.

Happy Birthday 'Boyfriend!' You're hot.

I had this picture saved in my files as "hottie_in_maine," so I thought it was only fitting that I posted this one.

Sag-Ass

I bought a pair of black dress pants from The Gap about a month ago (no, not my skinny jeans). I've only worn them a few times, but they are already stretched out to the point that I can't even wear them! So yesterday I had a work thing that I had to be early for, so I got dressed quickly w/o even thinking that the pants were a bit saggy (b/c they had just been washed and weren't all that stretched out yet), and dashed off to work.

As I was leaving the conference room during lunchtime, after having been sitting all morning, I realized that my pants were a bit baggy, especially in the butt. Like really saggy, actually. I even noticed a girl looking at my butt, and I was like oh shiz, it must look really bad! Well, that was the last straw.

I had to go back to the meeting for the rest of the day, and all I wanted to do was go buy myself a new pair of pants! I would've just left after work and gone home at 5:30, but we were having a cocktail hour after work (actually a cocktail 4 hours, but who's counting) so I couldn't go out w/ sag-ass!!! As soon as I had the chance I went out and bought myself a hot pair of black pants, changed into them, and went to cocktail 4 hours feeling much more comforbale (and kinda hot if I do say so myself).

So maybe I was a little rash in just going out and buying a new pair of pants after the day was almost over, but oh well. I guess having sag-ass was better than having swamp-ass!

For the record, I do not recommend searching for a picture of a "wet butt" while at work. Someone might think you're a bit pervy.

Setting the Britney Pre-Nup Straight

I said the other day that FedEx will receive something like $10mil according to their pre-nup. I was wrong...VERY wrong! This is what he gets (as reported by US Weekly via Best Week Ever). Poor guy. hehe! haha! hoho!


- K-Fed won’t touch a penny of Britney’s money. All the millions belonging to Britney will stay that way.

- The mansion will be divided 50/50.

- Any gift given worth over $10,000 will go back to the original purchaser. This includes a custom-built motorcycle Brit gave K-Fed for Christmas 2 years ago.

- She will still support him for a little while longer. Brit will pay Kevin $30,000 a month for the period of time that is half the length of their marriage. Meaning he’ll be well sneakered until at least a year from now.

- Spears won’t pay child support. Federline is still responsible for supporting his other two children with previous baby momma Shar Jackson. Luckily, Britney should be able to put food on the table for at least another 200,000 more years.

Oh yeah, and Brit told K-Fed that she was divorcing him OVER TEXT MESSAGE! I love it! This could not get any better! Here's the video from Much Music.


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Kick Him While He's Down!

Did you read this review of K-Fed's Webster Hall show (if you can even call it a show) on the Superficial?

Enjoy!

(Kevin Federline reportedly begged to keep his New York gig at Webster Hall despite only 300 people showing up to the 1,500 capacity club. And as if that weren't sad enough, he was scheduled to go on at 7pm but there were so few people he waited for three hours in hopes more fans would appear. A bartender there says:

"They were going to cancel this concert, but he begged them to keep it on," a Webster Hall bartender told Star. "He had to fight with them to keep this concert. He was holding things up because there weren't enough fans. It was a bad idea - he shouldn't have neglected the fans who were there." Federline's performance has been described as "mercifully short." Britney Spears's hubby only rapped for about half an hour and, reports one eyewitness, "seemed really confused about how to act on stage. He would pace from one side of the stage to the other, just saying things like, 'Hey' thirty times in a row or 'New York, thank you for coming - buy my CD.'"

I am shocked - shocked I say - that Kevin Federline isn't the thrilling performer he claims to be. When I see this guy asleep on his lawn with a bag of Cheetos in one hand and a Playboy in the other I think to myself: "This is a performer. This is a man with the charisma and talent to go all the way." So when I hear reports that his performance may have been any less than spectacular I am shocked. Shocked. )





Ew. Just look at him. Or don't, if it makes you naush.

Halle-effing-luiah Britney!

I am so proud of you girl! You really had me worried there for the last couple years, and now you're coming back! You looked AMAZING on Letterman last night (see video below), and now you've filed for divorce, from that loser, money-hungry little weasel of a husband. Oh K-Fed, I have to hand it to you though...don't you get something crazy like $10 mil? Good work buddy...too bad your album TANKED! Woooooo! I will NOT miss seeing you in the headlines, that's for sure. Unless it's stating how your life has fallen apart, Brit won't let you see your kids, and you're drinking your sorrows away...

GO BRIT BRIT!!!
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Better Pic of the Bday Boy has Been Requested...

I've been told by 2 of my friends that my hot boyfriend looks gay in the birthday pic that I posted of him (Beej), and that there is a different caption that should've been chosen for said pic (Richard).

I disagree, BUT I will post another pic that does not put my man in mid-blow.
You're lucky I love you guys;)


This is a cute one. Even though who knows what the hell I am doing. It's not about me right now anyway...I guess...

HAPPY SURPRISE PARTY!

I can finally blog about where my mind/efforts/life has been for the past 5-6 weeks!

With the help of 'boyfriend's' fam, I threw him a SURPRISE 30TH BIRTHDAY PARTY this past Saturday! I have been such a crazy, neurotic stress-case for the past few weeks trying not to spill the beans, hoping his friends & family didn't spill the beans, and convincing myself that someone had already spilled the beans. I think I'm over all beans at this point.

It turns out that no one spilled anything, beans or otherwise b/c 'boyfriend' was SO SURPRISED!!! How he didn't find out is beyond me b/c everything that could've gone wrong did.

1. He wanted me to plan him a bday party for the following weekend, and I couldn't convince him to wait until after the weekend to send it. So I had to send out a warning email telling all his friends that a fake invite was coming out but to respond as if it's real so that 'boyfriend' thinks his party is next week (did that make sense!?!)

2. I invited my sister and her boyfriend to the party, and since they're out-of-towners, they were staying w/ us. So when they arrived Sat. afternoon we had to lie and tell 'boyfriend' that they were here for another friend's party (he totally bought it).

3. I was on the phone w/ 'boyfriend's' sister the day of the party after he left for the morning w/ a friend. We were talking about the evening's plans when 'boyfriend' walked back into the apartment! I went into shock thinking that he heard me say something! I couldn't stop thinking that I had gone almost 6 weeks w/o saying anything only to ruin it the morning of the party! As soon as I got off the phone w/ 'sister,' I started crying! You'd think a cockroach landed on my head or something! So I called my mom, but Dad answered and of course didn't know what the hell to do w/ a crying little kimmyk, but that just made me laugh listening to him trying to comfort me, so we were all good.

4. 'Boyfriend' thought he was going to a Knick's game, so we couldn't get him out of the apartment so that my sister, her bf and I could get ready! He didn't leave until 6:15pm, and we had to be there at 6:30pm, so I was freaking out!

5. We left the apt. at 6:25pm, couldn't find a cab, had to walk to a different avenue to find one, then ended up in major traffic!

We got there at 7pm, immediately started drinking to calm my nerves, and told all our friends I was fine, even though they could all tell I was an effing mess. A half our later, we saw his friend walk in, 'boyfriend' right behind him. When he came through the curtain we screamed "SURPRISE!!!" And he truly was! I couldn't believe it! We did it! Wooooo!





I AM NEVER THROWING AN EFFING SURPRISE PARTY AGAIN.

The Cockroach Made Me Cry!

So 'boyfriend' and I came home last night from getting our new car (yay), and I got all my stuff out of the car and waited for him to get all his shiz together (FYI, I am constantly waiting for him - I have no patience, and he's slow as all hell - so annoying). Anyhoo, the parking attendant and I are standing there with our hand on our hips, tapping our feet (not really) waiting for my slow-ass (but hot) man, when I feel something land on the back of my neck and get tangled in my hair. Right away I start yelling, "ew, ew, there's a moth in my hair, get it out, get it out, ew, get it out, ew, there's a moth!" as I'm batting at it and trying to get it untangled from my hair to no avail. Next thing you know, Superman parking attendant comes rushing over, grabs the "moth" out of my hair, throws it on the ground, where "moth" morphs into a cockroach, and then gets STOMPED ON by Superman parking attendant!

I tell you! When I saw that it was a roach, I immediately got the heebie jeebies and burst into tears! I didn't even mean to! I don't know what happened, but the flood gates opened, and tears were streaming down my face! Obviously, I'm not a big fan of anything creepy crawly, and this includes disgusting, dirty, NYC cockroaches!

Where was 'boyfriend' while all of this was going on, and why wasn't he my superhero of the day? He was STILL getting all his stuff out of the car. You'd better believe he made me a yummy dinner to make up for not saving my life! I should invite that parking attendant over for dinner.

Stupid Curb

I took a digger on my walk home tonight. Effing curb was in the dark, so I didn't realize that it wasn't really a step up, but more of a ramp-like curb, so when I went to step, I went too far and twisted my damn ankle. This had nothing to do w/ the fact that I was on the phone talking a mile a minute to Reneeeeee b/c we had a lot to talk about. Stupid curb. I made it home though...the limp wore off after about a block.

On my walk to work tomorrow morning, I'm going to take a picture of the culprit and post it up here so all you other walkers can beware. You'll thank me for it.